Quotes

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
 * George Burns**

All the things I really like are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
 * Alexander Woollcott**

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
 * Oscar Wilde**

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
 * Woody Allen**

Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies.
 * Oliver Goldsmith**

Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
 * Benjamin Franklin**

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
 * Mae West**

Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off.
 * Ralph Bus**

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
 * Oprah Winfrey**

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
 * Woody Allen**

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
 * Charles D. Warner**

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
 * Will Rogers**

Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes.
 * Oscar Wilde**

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet!
 * Saint Augustine**

He who can does. He who cannot, teaches.
 * George Bernard Shaw**

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
 * W.C. Fields**

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
 * Woody Allen**

I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
 * Bob Hope**

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
 * Mae West**

I love mankind. It's people I can't stand.
 * Charles Monroe Schultz**

If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
 * David Brent**

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it.
 * W. C. Fields**

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
 * Woody Allen**

In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
 * George Best**

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
 * Woody Allen**

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
 * Rita Rudner**

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
 * Spike Milligan**

Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
 * David Brent**

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
 * Darrin Weinberg**

Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God. The truth probably lies somewhere in between.
 * W.B. Yeats**

The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.
 * Jeanne-Marie Roland**

The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.
 * Anton Chekhov**

The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.
 * Lucille Ball**

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
 * Oscar Wilde**